Sweet Saran-ity … And Other Stuff

Now Playing: Midway Park, by Whiskeytown. “Ride with you tonight, I’ll ride forever. There’s no way to predict this kind of weather. Ashes fall to earth, words are severed, Feathers turn to weighted iron pillars.”

Here’s the And Other Stuff …

* So dook basketball coach Mike Ksfdlksfjsdlf makes $4.7 million a year. I’m of many minds on this. Hey, it’s a private school, and he, like everyone else, is entitled to make all the market will bear. On the other hand, wonder how much the university prez makes (the AP article I read on this stupidly didn’t say, though it did say Krrdfsdkfjsdf is the highest-paid person at the school. I hesitate to call him an employee. I don’t think he works for dook. I think it works for him. And on another hand, he’s a mealy-mouthed, wicked scumbag. There – I said it.

* Haley, one of the contestants on American Idol – I know, none of you cool kids watch it – sang one of my favorite Led Zep songs last night – the fairly obscure “What Is And What Should Never Be.” Which I would have thought Should Never Be. But you know what. She actually did a pretty good job, especially on the bluesy verses. And her dad, Lenny (that’s what I’ll call him, because of his resemblance to the underappreciated Michael McKean), might not have been Jimmy Page but he kinda rocked on the guitar. And of course it lacked the cool back and forth speaker switching of the original. But I gotta say, I liked it. (Though she’s not my fave – I think Lauren is the best.)

* Been holding this one in awhile. Earlier this year, Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center announced its new name – the product of two years of work, expected to cost $3.5 million to implement. It wanted to call attention to its growing academic reputation. What’s the new name? Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center. Yeah, to highlight its academic reputation, it dropped “University.” And kept “Baptist.” Because nothing says we’re at the forefront of scientific discovery like “Baptist.” Go figure.

* Things the legislature has had time to do while putting off reconsideration of extended unemployment benefits for nearly 42,000 Tar Heels: Name NASCAR the official state sport (I’m not making this up). Eliminate lottery-funded need-based college scholarships (not making this up, either). Discuss the need for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages (you get the drill). Decide that cable companies shouldn’t have competition from cities in offering broadband services (Lord knows, cable companies shouldn’t have any incentive to actually improve service).

* Ending tax breaks for Big Oil companies sure sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it? Because the oil companies wouldn’t raise prices or anything to make up for losing them, would they? Talk about your empty political gestures.

And now, Sweet Saran-ity.

For the past three nights, I’ve slept with my feet wrapped in Saran Wrap. OK, actually  it is Up & Up Plastic Wrap Clear (which I think is the Bi-Lo store brand) [Correction: I’ve just been informed that’s the Target house brand].

Why? Doctor’s orders.

I’ve been a lucky guy all my life. When I was 19 years old, I destroyed my car, a parked car and a parked truck in a wreck. On the wrong side of the road. I fell asleep. All I got out of it was a reckless driving ticket (later reduced to failure to keep vehicle under control) and bruised ribs. Maybe I shouldn’t say just bruised ribs. They hurt like hell. For months. And even when I thought they were well, they weren’t. As I learned at Carowinds when I tried to shoot a free throw at one of the booths.

The only time I was ever hospitalized was when I broke my arm about six years later. When I fell down in the parking lot outside my town house. It didn’t even hurt when I did it. Though that would change a few hours later. When I noticed that my right arm wouldn’t work. So I got up from bed, got dressed and drove myself to Onslow Memorial Hospital in Jacksonville. They operated later that morning, installing a plate, some screws and a pin. But once I woke and vomited on the nurse – the anesthesia got me – I felt fine. It didn’t really hurt much at all. And I got lots of sympathy from it.

I guess the most serious medical problem I’ve had was shingles, when I was at Gastonia. If you’ve never heard of shingles, it’s caused by the chicken-pox virus. I had chicken pox when I was kid. Just a normal case. But shingles is anything but normal. Just ask anyone who has had it. It burns like hell. For weeks. And to this date, at least 23 years later, there are still shingle zones on my body that are extremely sensitive. Don’t get them, and don’t laugh at anybody who does.

Which brings me to my feet. I’ve had terrible feet all my life. They’re slow, they’re flat and they have one other problem. My heels. (Some irony there, that a devoted UNC grad would have problems with his Heels.) They’re rough and cracked and terrible. When they split, they get extremely sore.

My latest doctor has plans to fix them. He prescribed a cream to me that I apply twice a day. One of those applications comes at night. When he told me I should sheath them in Saran Wrap. To keep the moisture in and help with the softening process.

And you know what? It’s working. My heels are getting soft and the cracks are going away. It’s a medical treatment that actually works.

The Saran wrap website asks a question about how you use the product. Think they’ll believe me when I tell ’em?

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it. _ Mark Twain


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